Friday, December 17, 2010

I'd expect it from teenagers

I though about this story now, because of what actually happened at our counter yesterday.

Young love is great.  The emotions involved are intense, the problem is the execution.  When your in your early teens, anytime you can be with your boyfriend/girlfriend away from your parents is fair game for a make-out session...I get that, I was there once.  Two years ago, I had what I call a tough time being a boss though.  One of the things I like to do is change things up on occasion and work a night shift.  I don't do it very often, but I like to see what's going on at different times. 

On this particular evening, a teenage couple walked in, bought a cup of coffee, and sat in two of the big leather couches.  Not too out of the ordinary, but you could tell they were in a new romance by how lovey-dovey they were with each other.  I just smiled and went about my business cleaning the back of the bar.  After a little bit, I happened to see some unusual movement coming from their direction and I was mortified!  Their clothing went from normal, to just barely there.  The girl also decided she needed to get closer, straddling her boyfriend, and making her barely there shorts even more barely there.  I thought I was about to witness a real live porn.

All of a sudden, everyone started looking at me in the room, waiting for me to do something.  Ok, seriously people, what the hell do you do?  I know the average person would think its easy to walk up to someone and tell them to get off each other, but I just went blank.  All I kept thinking was I wanted to ask him to return her tongue to her mouth, get back to their chairs, and put their seats in the upright position.  Honest to god, I went blank.  There was a room full of people expecting me to say something and all I could do is stand there and watch.

After my immediate shock, I went over to them and asked them to keep it G-rated for the rest of the patrons.  I think I looked more embarrassed than they did.  The funny part was, they decided they weren't finished yet, so they got up and went into the hallway to continue their session.  At that point, I gave up.  I decided I was not going to be the 'you're going to get pregnant' police since they weren't in my store anymore.  I was going to leave that to the janitor outside.

As I said in the beginning, the reason I remembered that story, was because of two adults that came to my shop the other day.  I actually new the girl, but her date I wasn't familiar with.  Anyway, on most occasions, Tim will take the order and I will be busy trying to make the drinks with my head down frothing milk.  All of a sudden I heard Tim stop talking, which is pretty rare at the counter. He was just about to burst into a laughing fit while trying to get my attention.  What I saw was pretty intense. 

This 'gentleman' took his date, bent her over the bar (seriously bent her over the bar!), and started to put his tongue down her throat.  I don't mind a little kissing here and there, but this was a full-on make out session, fully equipped with slurping noises.  I honestly couldn't make their drinks fast enough to get them to move on, but then they asked if they could have their drinks in mugs to stay.  I wanted to tell them a story about Tim dropping all of the mugs that morning, shattering each and every one of them, but there was a whole pile on top of the espresso machine.  I honestly love when people stick around the coffee shop and enjoy their coffee, but I didn't want to have to break up two adults during their love fest.

Anyway, they picked two of the leather couches to sit in, and I have to say, they did much better there.  I had one of my regulars come up in the beginning to tell me he heard slurping noises coming from their direction, but after they sat down, there were only a few awkward moments.  Thank God I didn't have to pull out my boss card, because I just don't think I had it in me that day! 

In honor of my prudeness and how uncomfortable this made me, I think I may have to see what the fascination is with the PDA's and coffee shop counters.  Next time I'm in another country, I'm going to bend Tim over the counter, stick my tongue down his throat, and see what they do.   Is it just me that sees this as inappropriate, or is it just that it wasn't Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston (yes I know their divorced, but I'd much rather see them kiss than Angelina..Personal preference I guess). 

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Teach your children well...They may be responsible for wiping your butt when your older!

There may be a few chapters to this category that will be added at a later post.  This one is about hiring new employees...my biggest challenge as a boss!  Well, the title of this blog is "Teach your children well...They may be responsible for wiping your butt when your older", because I think there are some serious problems that need to be tackled. 

Now I'm an equal opportunity employer.  I will hire anyone who shows me enthusiasm, a true wanting for the position, ability to have a proper conversation, and is willing to learn and listen.  Having some spunk and personality is a huge plus, but we can usually pull it out later.  Seriously, not rocket science, but still its hard to come by.  My peeps that work at the shop now rock, but it took a while to find them. 

Now a little history of the coffee shop and the employees..I've only had to let a few go, and let me tell you..that sucked!  If anyone tells you its easy to fire someone, they have a little asshole in them, because to look at someone and tell them their fired takes balls!  I don't care if they deserve it or not, its hard...I cried after each one of them.  I could find out they stole from me and I would still cry if I had to fire them.  I'd still fire them if they stole from me, but there would be guaranteed tears.  Maybe its because I'm a big weeney, but I'm just not cut out for that part of the job. 

Anyway, the grind has a history of employees sticking around for at least 3 years.  Its a fun and low key environment to work in and I usually only have to search for new employees every few years.  Seriously when that time rolls around, I wish we sold alcohol because I would be drinking myself silly behind the bar while handing out applications!

So to get to the good part of this blog, here are a few examples...

1) Crayon lover...Yes crayons.  As much as I loved growing up with those lovely colored wax sticks, I was never taught in any business class that a green crayon could take the place of a ball point pen.  I really don't care what color pen you use, but if you can't fit your name in the space alloted or if your work history looks like Cookie Monster from Sesame Street, maybe a crayon isn't the best form of writing utensil for the job.  This didn't just happen once unfortunatley, I've had two applications turned in with crayons. 

2) The Dreaded Parent.  Ok, this should be number one, but whatever.  This is my biggest pet pieve!!  Unless your dad is going to be making the drinks, cleaning up after you, and talking to my customers, get out of the interview!!!  Actually, don't even take the application.  If your son or daughter wants a job, get them off of the couch and send their ass down to pick up the application alone, so their potential boss can make a connection with them.  Also, under NO circumstances does it matter what you tell me their achievements are...If they can't do it themselves, then their not ready to be in public!  I realize your proud of them because your still wearing their 6th grade softball pin.  Let them grow up and learn how to get a job on their own though.  You have absolutely no place in the interview.  I actually had a Dad do the entire interview while the kid looked at me with a smile...the entire interview all she said was "hello" and "thank you".  I should never have done the interview, but some parents just trap you.  At least she was polite.  Grrr.  The parents want their child to have a job so bad, but the kid usually has no motivation.  It is not my job to make them want to work.  Enough said about that

3)Bringing in the competition...I don't even know how to get my head wrapped around this one.  Imagine a nice mom and pop restaurant in your community.  They work hard, long hours, lots of debt, and pretty fierce competition from franchises to deal with.  Well, imagine walking into their restaurant, sitting down at one of their tables, pulling out a bag of McDonalds, eating, then walking up to the owner asking if they are hiring while your slurping your last sip of cola out of the McDonalds wax cup.  Doesn't seem like that would happen right?  Wrong.  I can count on two hands how many people have walked up to me, taken a sip of their Starbucks coffee, then asked if we are hiring.  Really?  I get the Starbucks attraction, but don't ask for a job in my store holding one.  Just sayin'

Anyway, I could go on forever, but I'm not going to.  All I want to say is, if your going to have children, make sure you teach them the basics.  If you don't know the basics, there are classes on it.  I will try and continue helping them with their growth, but they need the foundation taught to them by their parents or guardian.  The importance of teaching kids how to function as kind, productive, hard workers with common sense will go so far.   Remember the title, if you don't teach them the basics now, then they may use scratchy toilet paper on you when your old dedicates need Charmin!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Would you like whip cream with that?

I have to tread lightly with this post, because its kind of naughty...ATTENTION ADULTS...this is not for kids. 

Part of owning a coffee shop in downtown Stillwater is learning how to survive winters.  I seriously want to check out of life, put a for sale sign in the window, put my feet in the sand, and forget about our debt at the first sign of a snow flake...sounds nice huh?  Well one of the strategies we came up with, due to the lack of tourists, is deliveries.  We thought if you won't get out of your car and come in, we'll come to your work or home with your mocha.  It has definitly become a huge part of keeping us alive in the winter and its pretty cute how Tim has aquired a mass load of women followers.  It would make most women jealous, but for me, I tell him to lower his neck line and show 'em some leg...we need to bring home the bacon.

One day we got a phone call from an office full of women.  Tim had delivered there before, but for some reason, on this particular day they were extra spunkey.  One thing people ask all the time is, what do we actually deliver? We deliver everything you can get in the store.  Whether its a mocha or a breakfast sandwich, we can accomidate.  The only thing we don't do in the store, is put the whip cream on the drinks before we deliver them....Tim will do that right in front of you otherwise it will just melt, and nothing sucks more than not getting to lick the whip cream off the top right?

Well, everything was pretty usual for this delivery.  Tim pulls up, takes his delivery bag out, and starts pulling out the drinks.  He has his usual banter with each group he regularly delivers to...These ladies like the whip cream, so he always brings a full container to load them up with extra.  After giving everyone the drinks, Tim calls out to everyone if there was anyone who wanted a little more whip on their drinks...All of a sudden he hears a voice, but it came from a weird spot behined him and fairly low to the ground.  Tim turned around and his eyes fell to the floor.  One of the ladies was on her knees, mouth wide open next to his crotch, and out from her mouth came all sorts of naughtyness!!  She told Tim to shove the cream in her mouth and fill her full!!! In the words of most teens...WTF

So what does a guy do with this situation?  Tim did the only thing he could think of...He shoved the can in her mouth, depressed the tip, filled her mouth till it overfload, then turned and ran leaving her kneeling on the floor covered with whip cream..  When he came back to the shop, he could hardly contain himself.  He was laughing like any guy would, but mortified to have to go back there.  I just looked at him and asked if she tipped extra for that...I tell ya, I missed out on all of this office sexual harassment stuff.  I married my co-worker.  Those ladies get to have all the fun.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Public Service announcement: Brides may cry the next day!

Ok, I want to warn everyone, I'm not always going to talk about the coffee shop.  The reason I chose the title of my blog, Under the crema, was because it was a good metaphor for life.  Under that beautiful, creamy top layer, there is a dark and robust part that will either kick you in the ass or mellow the pounding in your head.  Either way, I liked the title for my life.  Today's edition to this blog happens to be about me...So here is a glimpse of me..

One thing I can say about my life so far, is that I've made some really awesome choices, and some not so smart choices.  I guess the only reason they have been not so awesome choices is because of the shitty economy.  Anywho, one great choice I feel I slam dunked on, is my husband.  He's great.  I tell all of my female employees at work that when choosing a male suitor, pick one that will do the gross things for you.  Tim will clean up most things that will make me instantaneously barf... a match made in heaven!! (He will also kill spidery things for me..double bonus..I had to marry him!)

Well, Tim and I dated for 6 1/2 years before he decided to propose to me.. a little long, but oh well, I'm still here right?  Well part of our decision was, do we wait a year, or do we get this shin dig done right away.  As ADD as I am, we decided my attention span could handle about 2 months, so bam!  That's what we did.  I still to this day don't really know what Brides do during their year of planning.  I may not be girly enough, but I think the best ideas come to those who panic and I loved what came out of my panicking!

I have to say my wedding rocked.  My friends donated their beautiful home, we had awesome bridesmaids and groomsmen, great friends, great weather, great pastor and Indian blesser, great cheese (my most important food choice), great liquor, etc. I don't think I would have changed too much except for how quick the time flies..The one thing I wasn't expecting, was the insane barrage of tears!!

Seriously, who knew one human being could shed so much water weight in one day!  Its crazy!  I had bridesmaids telling me how ugly I looked so I wouldn't get emotional, I had to yell at my dad to not give me his dad talk, the owner of the house made my cry, Tim was crying so I continued to cry, it wouldn't stop!  Who knew!  Someone would come up to me after the ceremony, tell me I looked pretty and it was like they told me my cat died. It was nuts.

After a few hours, the dam in my tear ducts repaired itself and I got to finally enjoy a few precious hours of the wedding.  It was so much fun, but extremely exhausting, so by 11pm, I finally made it to bed.  What happened to me the next day was sooo not expected. 

When Tim and I woke up the next day and peered out of the window of my friends house, we knew we had a long day of clean up ahead of us.  The great part was, the tents were going to stay up to celebrate my friends birthday the next weekend.  Other than that, it was a big mess.  It took us all day to find the proper homes for everything we brought to their house.  Around 6:30 pm Tim and I finally made it home.  I still feel a little guilty that the moment his head hit the pillow for a nap, was the moment the dam started to break again.  Seriously, what the hell is that?  I just started bawling and couldn't for the life of me stop.  All I wanted to do, was put my gown back on and sit under the tent one more time (ok, maybe everyday for at least a week)!  I was a wreck!!

So what does a good new husband do?  He brought me back to the tent. (I wanted to wear my gown, but decided just sitting under it would be ok) When we drove up to the house, my friend was just getting out of her car from a beer run and when I told her how sad I was, she started crying with me.  Tim grabbed the beer out of her hands just in time for her to give me a hug and tell me how she cried for 3 days after she got married.  Why doesn't anyone ever tell you about the crazy emotional release after the wedding!  Come on ladies..we need to tell people about this so our husbands don't think we're marching towards the loony bin!!

Anyway, a few days later and many talks with married women, I found out how NOT nuts I was and started calming down.  So this is a public service announcement...Some women cry even AFTER their wedding.  Men..we still love you, but we're emotional creatures.  The Niagra falls had nothing on me, but I found out I wasn't nuts..So, happy nuptials to all, and a quick and painless release of the Dam!!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Just your average Stillwater stabbing

So Tim and I use to have this ritual when he was smoking.  We would get all of our stuff done at the coffee shop and then go out for his morning cigarette.  It was super important.... we would set the alarm clock early just for this 'morning moment' as I would call it... Its the time between getting my own coffee consumed and being nice to people in the morning.  I would make the scones, make my espresso drink, lock up the shop, then sit outside and just wake up.  People may think I'm a morning person, but if I could, I would sleep in until at least 9 am.  Anyway, on this particular day, I felt like I was thrown into a movie.

Tim and I just sat down on the front steps of our building, the main street side, and we started going over all of the things we needed to do for the day.  On a normal day, Tim went through about two cigarettes and I would finish an entire cup of coffee out there.  Like I said, I need caffeine just like everyone else so I can actually speak in the morning and not chew people's heads off.  All of a sudden, we hear someone yelling from the
Main street
stairs next to Luna Rossa.  It took a second to locate the person connected to this voice, but all of a sudden he came into view.  What came out of his mouth was so out of the ordinary for Stillwater that it took a minute for Tim and I to register what he was saying. 

'The Guy' as we named him was pretty disheveled, but not out of the norm around town lately.  He came running up to us yelling that he had been stabbed...no shit, you read that right, he had been stabbed.  At this point, Tim goes into his protective mode and shoves me behind him.  First thing in the morning is not exactly the time to be fully aware of some psycho guy running down the road yelling for help.  I mean, what do you do?  Do you go on the defensive?  Do you reach in your pocket and call the police?  Do you check him out?  Seriously, unless your around it all of the time, your guard is up pretty high.  What seemed like Superman fast, the guy ran towards us lifting up his shirt and asking us if we thought he was going to live or if he should go to the hospital?  Um excuse me?  I don't know, when I get stabbed, I usually wait around a bit to see if I'll bleed out or not.  He was for real though, right on his love handle on the right side of his body, there was a hole where he was stabbed.  I have to say, its like watching a train wreck...You don't really want to see it, but when you do, you can't take your eyes off it.

When we told him we weren't doctors and he should seriously go to the ER, he said he didn't want to.  He just wanted us to tell him if he was still bleeding or not.  He proceeded in telling us he was sleeping in a cave with a few friends and one of them stole his blanket.  When he tried to get it back, his friend reached over and stabbed him.  What a good friend right?  That's what I do every time Tim reaches over for extra blankets.  I pull out my Swiss army knife and show him who's boss...

I wanted to tell him he should ease up on the crack pipe, but Tim and I were still pretty nervous about what was going on with this guy.  After looking at his back and seeing that the bleeding had stopped, he asked if he could use our restroom to clean up.  As much as I don't like blood around me, it wasn't that bad and I wasn't exactly going to make this guy sit outside after he just got stabbed.  So we all went inside and Tim and I decided we should really call the police.  I told Tim to go see if he was in the bathroom and I would call it in.  Tim went out into the hall to check him out, but he disappeared.  He was only out of our sight for maybe 60 seconds, but he was gone.  Tim and I both looked at each other and thought...have we had enough coffee yet?  Was that just a dream?  I do find I am a great Barista, but I really think stabbings are out of my league...just sayin'. 

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Life Behind a Bar

So my husband and I own a coffee shop.  I've worked there for 10 years (my longest job ever!) and my husband has worked along side me for the last 5.  During my college years at Mankato State University, if you asked me if I was going to own a coffee shop, I would have told you no way!  I thought I was going to be a suit walking around a shiny office, making the big bucks and living the American dream.  Boy was I wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband enormously and my job (even when the alarm in the morning seems to go off 5 minutes after I hit my pillow), but at 30 it would be nice to get a paycheck.  Oh well, such is life.  What I have now you can't buy, but sometimes, I just want to write about it!

About this Post, Life Behind a Bar, I think it would be wrong to write about my customers without their approval, so that's not what this post is about.  I love them dearly.  They are who our coffee shop has become, they are a part of my family (hell, half of my wedding guests were from the shop), and I think it is a violation of being a Barista to dish the dirt on them.  What I am going to write about is Tim and my experiences behind the bar with the non-regulars of our shop.  I seriously think Obama could solve the worlds problems if he could just stand behind the counter of a coffee bar, ask the customer what they thought of the world, and listened.  By the final stir of a Raspberry Mocha, he could get an ear full.  Its amazing what you can transfer to another person in those few minutes waiting for your coffee.

So, about Tim and I behind the bar...Here's a story for you....

Every Saturday and Sunday morning we get a group of about 5-7 regulars first thing in the morning, even before we open for business.  They know my rule, they can come in, but they have to sit patiently until all the baking is done before I will crack open the espresso machine.  They have been a part of the shop for as long as I can remember, and they are great to get my mind going in the morning or just to get things off my chest.  Love them!  Anyway, they stay for about an hour and on this particular day, things were pretty interesting for us. 

Our coffee shop is in downtown Stillwater and we often call it "the fishbowl" because of the huge bank of windows overlooking a bar parking lot and the St. Croix River.  On this particular day, about 10 cars were parked out front from the night before, and they were completely covered in snow.  One thing great about those windows, is the morning "walk of shames".  I know a lot of people get drunk and are responsible, taking a cab and leaving their cars parked downtown, but they are unfortunately the minority.  Well, at about 7:30 am, one of the regulars pointed out a truck pulling into the parking lot and a tiny little thing jumping out with no morning kiss, just an awkward hug from across the seat. The whole time we even felt awkward for witnessing this one. 

Well, the girl was dressed in her tiny little bar outfit, it was freezing out, AND her windshield was covered with snow and ice.  Now as this was all going on, my regulars are giving me the play by play while I'm baking my scones.  All of a sudden I hear one of my ladies yelling at the window.  She was witnessing the gentleman in the truck driving off without helping his lady friend out and the girl was trying to scrape her windshield with an object, not a scraper, but something from the backseat of her car.  My regular was going nuts!!!  She was so mad that he would leave her without helping her out one last time after taking her home the night before.  Then the greatest thing happened and I was fortunate to be there to witness it.  The guy in the truck finally stopped pulling away and awkwardly got out of his truck trying to help her out.  Unfortunately he didn't have a scrapper either. 

At this time, my customer took matters into her own hands.  I thought I was going to die laughing.  She gets up from her chair, marches out to her car, grabs her scraper, and hands it to the gentleman.  SERIOUSLY!!!  He turned a hundred shades of red and not because it was too cold out there.  He realized we were watching the whole thing unfold from our shop.  Once he got the scraper, he cleaned off her front window (he did forget to scrape the rest, but I think they were both mortified by our knowledge of their secret), returned the scraper to the hood of my customers car, and then turned around and waved goodbye to us.  I think we laughed for a good 10 minutes.

Moral of the story...we don't care what you do in your private life AT ALL, just be a gentleman and help a girl out, you never know who's watching!